Monday, May 10, 2010

Wedding Dilemma

As you know Venti is getting married in October.  The discussion of who he is having in his wedding party has been brought up many times but he never gives us a definite answer.

Having 3 brothers one would automatically assume that at least 2 of them would be his best men.  Short is obviously too young, but to me, Joe, both sets of Grandparents, Aunts, Uncle's, etc,. Grande and Tall would surely be his Best Men!


Apparently not!  We find out that he wants to have 2 of his friends as best men!  Mocha is having her 2 sisters as Maid's of Honor and yet Venti doesn't want his brothers as his best men!

I am really having a hard time with this!

On Friday Venti says to me, "I said something to Grande about being a best man and he said there were too many responsibilities"......

Like what??

"Well he'd have to plan my bachelor party and say the toast....and all the other duties that go with it"

Why don't we all talk about it at the dinner table, I said...

Ohhhhh...said Venti.

At the dinner table I find out that Venti never did ask Grande to be his best man....instead he told him all the responsibilities of the best man and assumed that Grande wouldn't step up to the plate!

So Grande said, "Oh I didn't know you were asking me to be your best man......of course I will!!".....he got all excited and said he would write his own toast and do everything he needed to do!

Well Venti's face was priceless.

He looked like.....oh what do I do!!

Can you believe it!   My son looking sad because his own brother wants to be his best man!

Then it gets worse.  The next morning Venti says to me that he is going to have his friend Nate be his other best man.  I said, "what about Tall...are you just going to toss him down on the end..and don't you think he won't feel bad that Grande is a best man and he isn't?"

Venti then starts saying stuff like, "you are forcing me into making a decision I don't want to make".....and "you are controlling me and its my wedding"....

I was shocked...brought me to tears.

Our family is close....really close...but apparently not close enough to have your own brother as best man!

I said that I had my 2 sisters as my Maid of Honors even though we weren't close then (we are now) younger sister was only 14 at the time!   I also said that Joe has his brother as his best man and they aren't even close (they are 12 years apart).....I said that its the right thing to are supposed to pick family over friends!   Friends come and go....brothers are there for life!

Well he doesn't think this way.

And it makes me sad.  

Sad that in a couple of years when his so called friends aren't around....and his brother are....

I could be wrong about that....but maybe I'm not.  I don't talk to the girls in my wedding party any more...except for my sisters.

Then today....Mother's Day....

Grande got me flowers  

Tall got me Rose's  


Short made me a Rosary

Venti didn't get me anything.....I cried....

Its not how much you spend....its the thought that counts.....all the things I do for him throughout the year (and its alot!) and he doesn't get me anything.

So this is the last Mother's Day that Venti will be living here.

And it was a sad one indeed...


  1. That's really sad! I'm sorry you are having to tough out these feelings right now, Java. Weddings are hard. They cause alot of high-strung emotions that sometimes we are surprised we even feel.

    Working as a wedding photographer; I've seen it all. What I have personally found is that it is best to let go of your own expectations and let whatever will be, will be. It's not the end of the world if he choses non-family to be his groomsmen. He's very young, and family honor and tradition aren't really at the top of the priority list right now.

    I think what's most important is that you be sure to not make it a big deal to the other boys so they don't feel that they are being rejected in some way. Perhaps it wouldn't have even occured to them that they should have been included...That would probably be the best case scenario.

    That said, even if he didn't want his brothers as his best men, I don't see any reason by they couldn't be groosmen or ushers, but that's up to your son. Like he said, it's his wedding. I do wonder though if Mocha would have influence over him on this issue since SHE seems to be more traditionally minded by selecting her sisters to stand with her.

    For me personally, I want my two best friends to stand with me. One I have been friends with for 11-12 years, and the other for 9. We don't live close any more but I talk to both every few days, or sometimes even every day.

    I have two sisters, and a SIL who has been in my life since I was around 2 years old. I never dreamed of including them in my wedding. I dont know why... maybe it has to do with the fact there is a significant age gap. My oldest sister is 39, married for 14 years, the other is 35 and a major black sheep... SIL is also probably 41-42, somewhere in there. She and my brother were married 19 years last month. I was a flower girl, and my sisters were bridesmaids in her wedding. When my oldest sister got married, my SIL was her matron of honor, and there were no other attendants so the rest of us weren't included in any way.

    I bicker with my sisters so much (or maybe they bicker with me... that would be more accurate) someone is pretty much always not talking to each other. Or at least complaining about another. And yet I would describe us as close! Families are weird.

    I dunno....

  2. I almost hate to comment being so new to your blog. I can feel your pain in this post. If I understood this correctly Venti asked two friends to be best men b/c he thought that Grande wouldn't want the responsibility. Turns out at dinner that Grande thought he was being asked and accepted with excitement. Now, Venti is in the unenviable position of having to ask one of his best friends to step down as a best man. That would be awful and might do some damage to that friendship. Hopefully, the friend can be a groomsmen and get over it.

    Then, the very next day you ask him about Tall being the other Best Man, which would mean he would have to go through the very same thing with his other best friend. He has to be dreading the one conversation. He doesn't want to have a second one. The thing is that Tall doesn't have an expectation of being a Best Man and will be happy with being a groomsman (if you will be happy that he is a groomsman). Same goes for Short (I don't know how old Short is).

    Men make very few decisions regarding their own weddings (usually). It usually is the bride's day. She tends to take it over and the guy just shows up. Sometimes he gets some say-so about cakes and whatnot, but usually she runs with it. The only things that he has any real choice about are the best man/men, groomsmen, and ushers. And that is it. Sometimes he is allowed to pick out his own tux.

    I know what you are saying about family versus friends. Family will be there for you when friends cut and run. Friends move away and you lose touch. Family moves away but you are family so you always stay close. He can't see that yet and he won't see it for another twenty years or so. You need to be the person who is on his side whether he is right or wrong. He's wrong right now, but you can make this right. Once you take the pressure off of him, and allow him to make whatever decision he wants, it will work out. He loves you. He loves his family. He won't do it exactly the way you want. But, if you support his choices so that everyone feels loved, then it will still be a day full of love. You know this. I am just reminding you of what you already know.

  3. I totally agree with you that his brothers should be in the wedding. Family is FAMILY!!! I can't believe Venti didn't even get you a card. Justin's mother threw a fit b/c all we got her was a card. The reason we did this was b/c a week before she told us to chip in $$$ for crawfish we were eating and to make sure we all showed up. Well Friday night she decided she was making steaks instead. So we show up with just the card and then the drama started! I just don't get it. As long as my boys make an effort (like homemade cards) and they're all here than I'm a happy momma! I guess there's no pleasing her. Next year we're spending the day just us! Maybe then she'll appreciate us! But I totally get why you were upset. Venti lives at home and could've done something. I would have been upset with that too! Besides that I hope you had a wonderful Mother's Day!!!

  4. I'm a strong believer that family should come first. uNfortunately, your son wants his friend vs family to be best man.Weddings can be difficult as everyone has an opinions that don't always match others. My suggestion would be is to talk with your son not on the basis that he should feel upset at family if they don't understand his decision, but let him talk out his decision. One day should not put 'forever anger/sad feelings". Sorry he didn't get you a gift for Mothers Day.

  5. @Robin, I think you missed it. What I got from all that was that Venti probably didn't ever really want to ask either of his brothers to be included at all, beat around the bush, jumped to his (preferred) conclusion that Grande wouldn't want to do it anyway, and used it as a pass to do what he actually wanted to do. When Java brought all of this up, he was mad because he has no intention of changing anything at all, not because he intends on "demoting" a friend from the bestman/groomsmen role.

    But I could be wrong! I wasn't there! lol But I'm pretty sure that's it.

    Hope Java you've taken some deep breaths and just let it go... he's young, he was ticked because he wants to be an independent adult (which doesn't just come with age... it comes with TIME, experience and maturity, which is different than simply becoming part of the age of majority.) and he wants to make his own descion without input from anyone else. He punnished you for being his parent by ignoring Mother's Day. Based on how you are with your boys, I suspect he will likely feel guilty about it very quickly, but I know the mother's day thing was still very hurtful... But know that he loves you... he was just still busy being a little boy and pouting. I'm sure we all did the same thing in one way or another at that age...

  6. Yes Emily that's exactly what happened regarding Venti...exactly!

    As for Mother's Day, he says that I told him not to get me anything on my birthday (which I didn't...I told all 3 of them back on our Anniversary in April to not get us anything) but he did get me something for my birthday and so he figured he'd just get me a card for Mother's Day....I told him it isn't the dollar amount...its the thought and that a card isn't much thought. If you knew Venti he never just gets a card...its not like him...he always gets me this is the first time he didn't and it upset me!

  7. I came back to this to see how it all came out. I am so sorry that Venti hurt your feelings on Mother's Day by not getting you anything. And reading Emily's comment I think she is probably right about Venti and where he is coming from; I hope that it all resolves soon. She is right, too, about the time thing. I think that I said that as well... it takes years before people understand that friends come and go, while family sticks. Venti is young and can't see that right now. I didn't see that at his age either. He's still such a kid with so much to learn. Sometimes experience is the only teacher. You gotta just love him through it.

  8. I will be posting the Wedding Dilemma update tomorrow!!!

  9. Hi there - I'm just back from my trip and catching up, reading this. I am SO sorry to hear Venti did not get you a present for Mothers Day. All I can say is that he is young, got bent out of shape and reacted that way. I am sure that he is already regretting his decision to do that, like we all do when young and make rash decisions we later regret. So please try not to feel too upset about it, although I am sure you still are. Hugs!!

    Now, about the wedding, I hope you don't mind me being totally honest here as I consider you to be a good blogging friend now. In England, it is usually the case that people select their best friends to be best man or maid of honor at their weddings rather than their brothers and sisters. Sometimes they include siblings as bridesmaids or ushers but not always. Your family is your family, and hopefully will as you say always be there. But friends are so important in life too - I was maid of honor at my best friend's wedding (we were at school together) and she remains one of my closest friends even thought I am now in the US and she is in Australia. These bonds we make with friends are important and can be long lasting and I always think selecting really good friends to be best man/maid of honor is such a lovely tribute to them. So maybe you can think of it that way, and let Venti choose his best man or best men. Maybe, when he thinks about it properly, he will decide to include his brothers in the wedding party, but even if he does not, they are and always will be his brothers and they will always have that special bond.I hope that helps.


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